September 18, 2015 by Dr. Geyser
Tired of shitting all the time?
Hi, Iam Dr. Geyser, here to inform you that the wait is over, that a new age of fecal health production is closer than you think, just out of reach, but practically in your hand. With my new patient-pending diet method for vaporizing feces, all you will ever need is fresh air, perhaps a room with thick walls that absorb sound, and a stash of candles with matches right next to your favorite plastic-protected couch.
Disclaimer: Since I do not care that these sorts of interjaculations interfere with my writing (thanks to a rigorous public POST-POST-SECONDARY UNDERGRADUATE MEDICAL EDUCATION (half of one, at the VERY least)), I can essentially say whatever I want, so long as everyone I say it to is informed of their consent, and that IAMNOT YOUR DOCTOR, or A doctor, or JUST ANY doctor, but rather DOCTOR GEYSER! Iam as expert as SOCRATES, who apparently knew nothing, or maybe one-thing. Certainly, NO DOCTOR though. Cool! See! What did I tell you? Colon health = EASY BREEZY.
Let me tell you how this is how it works:
Forget vegetables. Forget nuts. Forget non-sexual allergies to nuts. Forget about toilet paper. Forget about dragging your ass across your neighbor’s lawn. Forget about plastic baggies that you turn inside out to clean up life’s greatest gift.
Don’t throw away shit. Don’t waste away donating volumes and volumes of soil to a society that is inundated with shit it doesn’t want.
Shit is a gift! It contains seeds, and bacteria, and viruses – did you know that up to 50 mass % of YOUR shit is actually bacteria!
Humans have evolved to produce more shit than they consume – another fact! Instead of eating supposedly ‘healthy’ indigestibles, Dr. Geyser’s poop-vaporizing diet will feed YOU chock full of 99.9% digestible solids and liquids.
Here is a list of some of the life-promoting sources of nutrients – but NOT poop – that YOU can start eating TODAY or TOMORROW or RIGHT NOW!
- Bacon grease
- Grape drink
- Orange drink
- Fortified Sunny-D*** *** Suburban middle-class orange soda no shame just empty (no shit) calories.
- Ribeye steak
- Salisbury steak
- New York strip steak (YES Dr. Geyser, tell ME more!)
- Ground chuck roast
- Almond milk
- Dr. Cola
- Pills (Rxxx)
- Mixed amphetamine salts
- Carbonated water
- Other well-rotted bodily fluids
- Whipped cream
- Heavy cream
- Half and half
- Other forms of icing
- Candy (most types are OK!)
Disclaimer: The FDA and other regulatory agencies like Homeland Security seem to think that they are doing a good enough job to DICKTATE what constitutes a healthy diet. I, of course, disagree – but NOT as a medical expert, since I am NOT a medical expert, but rather as a FRIEND of your COLON, I say YES to MICROWAVE BURRITOS, and other nutritious supplements. I do not take anyone seriously, esp. not myself, and neither should YOU! SEE! I told you!
That’s right. Eat these foods in moderation with vegetables and other indigestible materials, and feel the toxic brown substances building up in your bowels and then spilling over the edges into your peritoneum. NOT OK!!! Eat these foods in excess without adding any sources of fiber, and feel the colon cleansing power of vaporized feces! By following these helpful guidelines and not deviating from them except when directed by an emergency room physician, and only then after a protracted argument over the meaning of bloody stools, Torsades des Pointes, and the philosophical merits of sexistentialism, the dawn of the era of the Great Health will be upon us.
BUTT WAIT!! There’s always MORE!
To help you manage the load of flatulence that PROVES the power of Dr. Geyser’s poop-vaporizing diet plan, Dr. Geyser himself has developed a line of products that are specifically tailor-made to coat those shameful odors in a suit and tie and send them on their way.
“I haven’t shit in 3 weeks! Thanks Dr. Geyser!!!”
– Former sufferer of constant shitting now celebrating successful fecal vaporization.
Get a jumpstart on your colon health by trying some of the products listed below. The sooner you replace your shit with vapor, the faster you will achieve the zen byproducts of this new physical state!
Disclaimer: Obviously, I know nothing about these products, and neither does the FDA. Most of it is pure shit, or will be very soon. DO NOT put your faith in alternative medicine, as some sort of jab at those who place their face in standard medical methods. We simply do not give a shit (WE ARE SO EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE OF THIS VAPOR DIET, probably). This is how surgeons can stay standing and awake for so long. Every U.S. President FDR has known about this top secret miraculous poop curettage! But DONT TRUST ME, TRUST in NATURE! Solid poop is stupid and INORGANIC! TRUST your GOD-given INSTINCTS! Give up on POOP, but DONT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!