Monthly Archives: February 2016

  1. Indigestible Centers: A Quest for the Other Other’s OPPs

    February 23, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    OOs = Other Others
    OPPs = Other People’s Problems
    OOOPPs = Other Other’s OPPs

    For further examples of how to use my OPPs, see “Nothing Rhymes with my OPPs.”

    Having trouble finding your center of gravity? First step: make sure you are not having a heart attack, or some other medical emergency. By itself, the hellish burning in your esophagus is probably just a burrito. However, if it is accompanied by shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, or hemodynamic collapse, it is time for you to call 911. The word emergency was invented for times like these, so let me be the first to say, “This is an emergency.”


    If it is not indigestion, and it is not a heart attack, perhaps it is a metaphysical problem. Consider going upon a quest, in the search for Plato’s enema mundi, or world’s suppository. Perhaps you know it by a different name, feeling, or objective association: good, just follow that down to your burning centerpiece. You will need to merge the various centers into one basic concept, hopefully one that is more interesting than self or other. I prefer the diaphragm, but others seem to enjoy meditating upon their beating heart. Either way.


    If this does not work, consider taking some Pepto-Bismol (the pink stuff) for your heartburn; or, if you are allergic or otherwise medically compromised by the pink stuff, consider drinking down a medium glass of warm or cold milk, poured into a glass cup (no plastic), without cookies or extra cream. For those west of the Mississippi River, make sure you are facing east when you drink the milk. And likewise, for those on the east side of the Mississippi River, make sure you drink the milk while facing west, towards the Pacific Ocean. Those outside of the United States should find a similar geographic feature, like the English Channel, the Danube or the Rhine; the Yellow River, or the Yangtze; the Nile, the Niger, or the Congo; or, if these do not suit you, substitute the equator. Those north of the equator should drink their milk while facing south, while those south of the equator should drink their milk while facing north.

    If this does not work, consider checking in with your physician’s office in the morning, or the emergency room right now. Again, take stock of your symptoms, and save your heart.

    If you are absolutely sure that what you are suffering from is not a material, or at least not a medical, illness, consider this final suggestion: follow my blog, along with three others that have affected you in a similarly positive, negative, or neutral fashion. If your center still seems to be misplaced, consider reblogging one post from each of your four newly made acquaintances. For in doing this, you will have approximated the location of the world’s soul with the motion of your hands, somewhere between the pads of your fingers, in a place that you, and only you, now know.

    What works

    Figure. Screenshot of clinical effectiveness, courtesy of PubMed Health, and That Guy.


    Think about it.


  2. On Naming One’s Penis

    February 22, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    The reproductive potential of the human penis is large compared to the size of man’s sexual organ(s). For men who have not yet fathered a child, this ratio is a source of insecurity, and has led some men to give their penis a name, along with imbuing them with an appropriate personality.


    This is a concerning trend for those whose work entails rational discussions of men’s health-related issues. Because men have started talking to their penises again, it is likely to be harder now more than ever to persuade men to adopt healthy lifestyles. For the penis has much to contribute to the world besides ‘healthy lifestyles.’ What better way to heal the world of human illness, than to seek out the best means of sowing a more healthy, powerful, and drug-free future?

    Michael & Jello’s David
    A masterpiece
    Given the importance of sexuality in understanding the value systems of living organisms, it is a bit strange that psychologists do not spend more time studying the sexual act itself. Perhaps they overestimate their own personal familiarity with sexual intercourse, since no psychologist has yet invented a means of talking about sex that is distinct from mechanical philosophies, and their superstitious congeners. Bodies must contact one another, before the breach is made.


    The challenge is to find an overlap between one’s ethos and one’s career. Solutions to this problem are abundant, if one is not dependent either on the words one uses or the style in which one behaves. Where the ‘nominalistic’ style is adopted, there can be no ethos. The individual is governed by the ethos of others, so long as their ears are tuned to honor a single name.

    “Come along now, Little Geyser.”

  3. Diagnosis: Freshly DePressed


    February 21, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    Tap tap What’s on tap But more tap tap tap? Tap tap tap Tap

  4. XOXO, Demi Lovato

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    February 14, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
    — JFC, Matthew 6:25

    Demi Lovato helps to resolve the insecure selfhood of the philosopher through a quick and dirty exchange of mind and body mediated by her power over the male gaze. Clothed in leather and draped in her own self-confidence, she steps into the fertile position between power and knowledge within a social system primarily suited to the needs of the male body. There is a feeling of closure, of completion, of unity within a body no longer subservient to the social construction of mind-body duality – a fitted contact between bodies that temporarily relieves the male of his duties to the care of self.
    — Michel Foucault

    Demi Lovato is a model citizen of this freely elected, all-American democracy. Let me tell you, it is liberating – and I mean liberating, with a capital ‘L’ – to see women grabbing the attention of male voters on social media platforms like YouTube. The internet is an amazing place, and there is just so much to see and reflect upon because that’s what makes America great.
    — President Barack Obama

    Although in theory Lovato’s model appears to be constructed on biological principles, the body-body model cannot be readily falsified using the available methods of modern science. New methods will need to be developed by those interested in pursuing her otherwise phenomenal scientific paradigm, so that those of us who like to watch will feel confident enough to seek out new ways of rejecting, falsifying, and denigrating the human body.
    — Karl Popper

    Demi Lovato is so hot right now.
    — Mugatu

    The mind can never leave the body, and to suggest it should is naive. For to think does not always mean simply to judge [or not to feel]; it is to leave one’s own sphere, to think of another, to empathize, to place oneself where one’s body is not, to become the other’s body, to feel their pleasure and respond to their pulses, to climax with and for them. Without the mind, the body can think only of itself and its own pleasure, there can be no synchronicity or search for the other’s erogenous pathways. What one does not feel oneself, one must think. It is the mind which introduces congruence and regulates pulses. Were the body allowed to run its course, there would be only insanity on one side and a frightened pious virgin on the other.
    — Alain de Botton, On Love

    But what if truth were a woman? What then?
    — Friedrich Nietzsche

    If the wheel had not creaked, it would have been marvelous.
    — Kafka, in The Penal Colony

  5. 10+ Tips on Hosting the All-American Potluck

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    February 13, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    Nobody likes a party pooper.
    In this blog post, I situate the All-American potluck in the framework supplied by the body of the host, as a lens for examining diarrhea and fecal incontinence apart from the panoptic medical gaze represented by the FDA within a semiotic stream of graduate degrees masquerading in the form, rather than the material substance, of an All-American public health (crisis and/or resolution).

    No. 1

    Chunk your own meat and veggies. Stir fry is better for the digestion because all of the ingredients are heated together. There is less risk of contamination because the sanitizing effects of heating begin and end at the same time. Serving meat and veggies independent of one another is a good way to promote diarrhea among your guests, family members, and dine-in lovers. If that is what you want, then go ahead and have a pig roast. Go ahead and quarter that chicken. Go ahead and smack that hot dog between her buns.

    No. 2

    Serve food when its hot and ready.

    No. 3

    Ignore food preferences that are not associated with life-threatening food allergies. Food politics are a common source of diarrhea, since new food fads are ill-conceived from the very beginning. Your guests will be glad you are powerful enough to not to give a shit about vegans, since they cause a lot of diarrhea by imposing their food preferences on others who are already stressed about life as it is.

    No. 4

    Eat dinner at the same time every day. Sleep is not the only component of the body’s diurnal rhythm.

    No. 5

    Drink Italian soda instead of soda pop, and serve a judicious amount of alcohol. Soda pop contains a lot of salt, which can throw off even the most balanced of meals, leading to GI discomfort and diarrhea. Alcohol slows gastric emptying, thereby prolonging the digestive process. In addition to preventing diarrhea, a bit of wine lowers the guest’s risk of diabetes, and limits the tendency among poorer guests to overeat when they go to parties.

    No. 6

    Limit the types of spices, dressings, dips, and spreads served with each meal.

    No. 7

    Potlucks are shitty, which means you are shitty, too. Embrace the filth by cooking with the proper techniques, and eating with the proper utensils. At times this means eating off of flimsy paper plates, but usually by this point you might as well forego plates altogether, and just accept the fact that an indeterminate quantity of bacteria will be joining you and your friends during this year’s barbecue season.

    Don’t waste trees by pretending that your intestines need to be defended from bacteria, when it is actually your food that is left defenseless wherever paper plates are allowed to conceal the barbarous irresponsibility of mediocre hosts. In the process of diagnosing from subjective symptoms the pathological adaptations of our suburban hosts, the value of applying the rule is slowly revealed, even among those who never claim their a priori right to be called exceptions.

    No. 8

    Prepare food in batches. If you are having an ‘open house,’ chances are you only want people to come over to obtain a profit. Let’s face it: graduation parties are about the money one obtains from guests. I really wish I had known that when I graduated, for instance, since then I might have made a profit from that worthless and embarassing endeavor. In any case, it is important not to give your guests diarrhea. You want them to feel full, happy, and rich from the food you serve, not like an empty dehydrated tube on the verge of physiological collapse.

    No. 9

    Match carbohydrates and proteins with an appropriate amount of fat and salt. In America, the meaning of a “balanced” diet is taken quite personally, to the point of biochemical absurdity. As the host, be sure to serve a meal that contains a balance of fats, carbs, protein and salt.

    No. 10

    The host sets the rhythm of the meal. Make sure to delegate to others those tasks which interfere with your ability to generate a sense of order, since you are the host responsible for putting an end to those communicable forms of gastrointestinal distress which public health officials tend to blame on bacteria. Yet the stress of mealtimes are a health burden that are best managed by the host, whose medical expertise lies in the silent prevention of disease rather than the promotion of a national diagnosis.


    Public health propaganda appears to be less unhealthy than the epidemics of diarrhea and fecal incontinence to which it claims to respond. Pathogens, then, are merely the smallest conceivable justification for the mediocre sense of health which these campaigns betray. Let us learn how to speak frankly about our health, rather than miring ourselves in the never-ending toil of maintaining our national pride. Let us call their bluffs, and outbid their reasons, so that we may feast without fear, and consume without reservation, the products of our individual enlightenment.

    Or whatever.