Category Archives: Consumptuary practices

  1. 10+ Tips on Hosting the All-American Potluck

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    February 13, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    Nobody likes a party pooper.
    In this blog post, I situate the All-American potluck in the framework supplied by the body of the host, as a lens for examining diarrhea and fecal incontinence apart from the panoptic medical gaze represented by the FDA within a semiotic stream of graduate degrees masquerading in the form, rather than the material substance, of an All-American public health (crisis and/or resolution).

    No. 1

    Chunk your own meat and veggies. Stir fry is better for the digestion because all of the ingredients are heated together. There is less risk of contamination because the sanitizing effects of heating begin and end at the same time. Serving meat and veggies independent of one another is a good way to promote diarrhea among your guests, family members, and dine-in lovers. If that is what you want, then go ahead and have a pig roast. Go ahead and quarter that chicken. Go ahead and smack that hot dog between her buns.

    No. 2

    Serve food when its hot and ready.

    No. 3

    Ignore food preferences that are not associated with life-threatening food allergies. Food politics are a common source of diarrhea, since new food fads are ill-conceived from the very beginning. Your guests will be glad you are powerful enough to not to give a shit about vegans, since they cause a lot of diarrhea by imposing their food preferences on others who are already stressed about life as it is.

    No. 4

    Eat dinner at the same time every day. Sleep is not the only component of the body’s diurnal rhythm.

    No. 5

    Drink Italian soda instead of soda pop, and serve a judicious amount of alcohol. Soda pop contains a lot of salt, which can throw off even the most balanced of meals, leading to GI discomfort and diarrhea. Alcohol slows gastric emptying, thereby prolonging the digestive process. In addition to preventing diarrhea, a bit of wine lowers the guest’s risk of diabetes, and limits the tendency among poorer guests to overeat when they go to parties.

    No. 6

    Limit the types of spices, dressings, dips, and spreads served with each meal.

    No. 7

    Potlucks are shitty, which means you are shitty, too. Embrace the filth by cooking with the proper techniques, and eating with the proper utensils. At times this means eating off of flimsy paper plates, but usually by this point you might as well forego plates altogether, and just accept the fact that an indeterminate quantity of bacteria will be joining you and your friends during this year’s barbecue season.

    Don’t waste trees by pretending that your intestines need to be defended from bacteria, when it is actually your food that is left defenseless wherever paper plates are allowed to conceal the barbarous irresponsibility of mediocre hosts. In the process of diagnosing from subjective symptoms the pathological adaptations of our suburban hosts, the value of applying the rule is slowly revealed, even among those who never claim their a priori right to be called exceptions.
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    No. 8

    Prepare food in batches. If you are having an ‘open house,’ chances are you only want people to come over to obtain a profit. Let’s face it: graduation parties are about the money one obtains from guests. I really wish I had known that when I graduated, for instance, since then I might have made a profit from that worthless and embarassing endeavor. In any case, it is important not to give your guests diarrhea. You want them to feel full, happy, and rich from the food you serve, not like an empty dehydrated tube on the verge of physiological collapse.

    No. 9

    Match carbohydrates and proteins with an appropriate amount of fat and salt. In America, the meaning of a “balanced” diet is taken quite personally, to the point of biochemical absurdity. As the host, be sure to serve a meal that contains a balance of fats, carbs, protein and salt.

    No. 10

    The host sets the rhythm of the meal. Make sure to delegate to others those tasks which interfere with your ability to generate a sense of order, since you are the host responsible for putting an end to those communicable forms of gastrointestinal distress which public health officials tend to blame on bacteria. Yet the stress of mealtimes are a health burden that are best managed by the host, whose medical expertise lies in the silent prevention of disease rather than the promotion of a national diagnosis.

    Conclusion

    Public health propaganda appears to be less unhealthy than the epidemics of diarrhea and fecal incontinence to which it claims to respond. Pathogens, then, are merely the smallest conceivable justification for the mediocre sense of health which these campaigns betray. Let us learn how to speak frankly about our health, rather than miring ourselves in the never-ending toil of maintaining our national pride. Let us call their bluffs, and outbid their reasons, so that we may feast without fear, and consume without reservation, the products of our individual enlightenment.

    Or whatever.

  2. Americans cause cancer

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    January 22, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    That’s right. Flippant use of causality to get media attention. Deal with it.

    Causes. Meat causes cancer. Or, well, actually it is the carcinogens in meat that cause cancer. Or, well, it is actually the person who eats meat that causes cancer. Or, well, it is actually the salesman of meat that causes cancer. Or, well, it is actually the meat industry itself that causes cancer.

    If meat causes cancer, then Americans cause cancer, too. It is also quite possible that the WHO? report condemning meat may also cause cancer, wherever smoked or grilled foods are popular, e.g. America, China, Malaysia, everywhere except maybe Europe (?).

    Wisdom says that a balanced diet takes into account the ‘poisons’ and ‘toxins’ within one’s diet. Let the weakness of our rituals be the villain, rather than the smoking of our thousand island-drenched hot dogs. Mmmmmmmm.
    Wisdom also says that propaganda can still be scientific, that scientific research can be used as a scare tactic to get people to stop eating shitty things, and that here as elsewhere it is possible to arrive at something positive and healthy without having to affirm the a priori value of propaganda itself. Why do governments use propaganda anyway? Is it because our leaders are bored? Or perhaps it is because they really enjoy spending their entire adult life trying to manipulate and control their subjects? Or perhaps it is because they do not want their children’s children to have a heart attack in their 30s? Or perhaps it is because they are embarassed by American surplus plus plush sweaty pants?

    Americans actually have a long and successful history of causing cancer.
    Cigarettes, for instance, led to the villification of all tobacco products, even those whose primary value was social, e.g. cigars, cherry cavendish, hookahs. And so it is not surprising that meat has also become the subject of condemnation by our increasingly devout world health authorities. It should have been obvious years ago that hot dogs cause cancer, such that this summer’s belated attempt to certify what was already frankly common knowledge is silly, in a bureaucratic sense.

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    Doctor Geyser does not condone the consumption of over-processed meat, but merely finds the WHO? report from fall 2015 to be disrespectful of consumption patterns across the United States, and also the rest of the world. It is a loosely veiled (i.e. slutty) moral treatise that has nothing to do with science, and is basically useless with respect to the practice of health and wellness. For these reasons, and many others probably, Doctor Geyser finds the WHO? report universally reprehensible. At this point, the WHO? might as well condemn the practice of homosexuality, if they are really that concerned about the worldwide consumption of hot dogs.
    In America, the situation is actually far worse, because Americans grill the shit out of everything. The carcinogenic potential of grilled meat is high, such that the WHO? report may actually worsen the health of Americans, who will continue savoring their most cancerous meat preparations as they decrease their carnivorous habits overall. Rather than taking the time to verify the contributions of specific methods of preparation, the WHO? did the pseudoscientific thing, which is to report only what the data shows, irrespective of whether it can be understood or talked about in a reasonable fashion. Far better that they had said nothing at all, than to have prematurely villified a very common object of consumption, and red meat along with it.

    Yet even if some consumers no longer use the flames of combustion to cook their food, oxygen will still be an ongoing source of cancer for many years to come. Since the carcinogenic potential of oxygen is a consequence of the diatomic molecule itself (or at least the free radicals which many, very common and essential organic reactions with oxygen produce on a moment-to-moment basis in normal healthy bodies), the WHO? will have a much more difficult time justifying their monkish form of health and wellness in the future. Finding an alternative electron acceptor will no doubt be a great challenge for the health-minded idiots of the future. For now, we shall all simply have to start holding our breaths as often as possible, because obviously living forever is the foundation of health and wellness.

    “Hold your breath, O citizens of the world. The Great WHO? Pontificate has spoken.”
    As an aside, the carcinogenic report issued by the WHO? in fall 2015 is a proper example of a substance abuse syndrome (SAS), since it is the meat-in-itself that is the target of the WHO? report, rather than the specific carcinogens responsible for the increased risk of cancer, and the preparation methods which most contribute to their appearance. The study data used in the WHO? report was inconclusive about specific methods of preparation, indicating that the primary goal of this report was to investigate whether “processed” meat-in-itself has carcinogenic potential. Like many other villification schemes, the WHO? report is a moral treatise aimed at superstitiously condemning every “risky” behavior that they lack the institutional inertia to properly understand.

    Like most medical students in the United States, I am sure everyone at the WHO? “works really hard.” Feel free to call me as soon as patients begin realizing that this is not the same as being able to heal, or even support the health of, their patients. The pathos invested in every medical career is a sign – not a good one, either.
    What works

    Cheer up, then.

    Further reading

    “Time to Decouple Fear and Health,” by Bernadette Keefe, M.D.
    Dr. Geyser does not represent the interests of any health or medical organization. He is also not a medical doctor, and furthermore quit medical school after 2+ years because he thought earning honors in medical school should have been more difficult than it actually was. Also, because he couldn’t stay awake due to a medical condition, and because he finds psychiatrists to be reprehensible creatures on a nearly universal scale.

    Those seeking medical advice should call their doctor.