Category Archives: Let me be, Frank

  1. On Naming One’s Penis

    February 22, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    The reproductive potential of the human penis is large compared to the size of man’s sexual organ(s). For men who have not yet fathered a child, this ratio is a source of insecurity, and has led some men to give their penis a name, along with imbuing them with an appropriate personality.


    This is a concerning trend for those whose work entails rational discussions of men’s health-related issues. Because men have started talking to their penises again, it is likely to be harder now more than ever to persuade men to adopt healthy lifestyles. For the penis has much to contribute to the world besides ‘healthy lifestyles.’ What better way to heal the world of human illness, than to seek out the best means of sowing a more healthy, powerful, and drug-free future?

    Michael & Jello’s David
    A masterpiece
    Given the importance of sexuality in understanding the value systems of living organisms, it is a bit strange that psychologists do not spend more time studying the sexual act itself. Perhaps they overestimate their own personal familiarity with sexual intercourse, since no psychologist has yet invented a means of talking about sex that is distinct from mechanical philosophies, and their superstitious congeners. Bodies must contact one another, before the breach is made.


    The challenge is to find an overlap between one’s ethos and one’s career. Solutions to this problem are abundant, if one is not dependent either on the words one uses or the style in which one behaves. Where the ‘nominalistic’ style is adopted, there can be no ethos. The individual is governed by the ethos of others, so long as their ears are tuned to honor a single name.

    “Come along now, Little Geyser.”

  2. 10+ Tips on Hosting the All-American Potluck

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    February 13, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    Nobody likes a party pooper.
    In this blog post, I situate the All-American potluck in the framework supplied by the body of the host, as a lens for examining diarrhea and fecal incontinence apart from the panoptic medical gaze represented by the FDA within a semiotic stream of graduate degrees masquerading in the form, rather than the material substance, of an All-American public health (crisis and/or resolution).

    No. 1

    Chunk your own meat and veggies. Stir fry is better for the digestion because all of the ingredients are heated together. There is less risk of contamination because the sanitizing effects of heating begin and end at the same time. Serving meat and veggies independent of one another is a good way to promote diarrhea among your guests, family members, and dine-in lovers. If that is what you want, then go ahead and have a pig roast. Go ahead and quarter that chicken. Go ahead and smack that hot dog between her buns.

    No. 2

    Serve food when its hot and ready.

    No. 3

    Ignore food preferences that are not associated with life-threatening food allergies. Food politics are a common source of diarrhea, since new food fads are ill-conceived from the very beginning. Your guests will be glad you are powerful enough to not to give a shit about vegans, since they cause a lot of diarrhea by imposing their food preferences on others who are already stressed about life as it is.

    No. 4

    Eat dinner at the same time every day. Sleep is not the only component of the body’s diurnal rhythm.

    No. 5

    Drink Italian soda instead of soda pop, and serve a judicious amount of alcohol. Soda pop contains a lot of salt, which can throw off even the most balanced of meals, leading to GI discomfort and diarrhea. Alcohol slows gastric emptying, thereby prolonging the digestive process. In addition to preventing diarrhea, a bit of wine lowers the guest’s risk of diabetes, and limits the tendency among poorer guests to overeat when they go to parties.

    No. 6

    Limit the types of spices, dressings, dips, and spreads served with each meal.

    No. 7

    Potlucks are shitty, which means you are shitty, too. Embrace the filth by cooking with the proper techniques, and eating with the proper utensils. At times this means eating off of flimsy paper plates, but usually by this point you might as well forego plates altogether, and just accept the fact that an indeterminate quantity of bacteria will be joining you and your friends during this year’s barbecue season.

    Don’t waste trees by pretending that your intestines need to be defended from bacteria, when it is actually your food that is left defenseless wherever paper plates are allowed to conceal the barbarous irresponsibility of mediocre hosts. In the process of diagnosing from subjective symptoms the pathological adaptations of our suburban hosts, the value of applying the rule is slowly revealed, even among those who never claim their a priori right to be called exceptions.

    No. 8

    Prepare food in batches. If you are having an ‘open house,’ chances are you only want people to come over to obtain a profit. Let’s face it: graduation parties are about the money one obtains from guests. I really wish I had known that when I graduated, for instance, since then I might have made a profit from that worthless and embarassing endeavor. In any case, it is important not to give your guests diarrhea. You want them to feel full, happy, and rich from the food you serve, not like an empty dehydrated tube on the verge of physiological collapse.

    No. 9

    Match carbohydrates and proteins with an appropriate amount of fat and salt. In America, the meaning of a “balanced” diet is taken quite personally, to the point of biochemical absurdity. As the host, be sure to serve a meal that contains a balance of fats, carbs, protein and salt.

    No. 10

    The host sets the rhythm of the meal. Make sure to delegate to others those tasks which interfere with your ability to generate a sense of order, since you are the host responsible for putting an end to those communicable forms of gastrointestinal distress which public health officials tend to blame on bacteria. Yet the stress of mealtimes are a health burden that are best managed by the host, whose medical expertise lies in the silent prevention of disease rather than the promotion of a national diagnosis.


    Public health propaganda appears to be less unhealthy than the epidemics of diarrhea and fecal incontinence to which it claims to respond. Pathogens, then, are merely the smallest conceivable justification for the mediocre sense of health which these campaigns betray. Let us learn how to speak frankly about our health, rather than miring ourselves in the never-ending toil of maintaining our national pride. Let us call their bluffs, and outbid their reasons, so that we may feast without fear, and consume without reservation, the products of our individual enlightenment.

    Or whatever.

  3. 32 Unhealthy Headlines, Annotated by Dr. Geyser

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    January 11, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    Greetings! Iam Dr. Geyser! and I know nothing until proven otherwise. Let me be Frank with you about a few …
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