Tag Archives: Colon health

  1. Indigestible Centers: A Quest for the Other Other’s OPPs

    February 23, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    OOs = Other Others
    OPPs = Other People’s Problems
    OOOPPs = Other Other’s OPPs

    For further examples of how to use my OPPs, see “Nothing Rhymes with my OPPs.”

    Having trouble finding your center of gravity? First step: make sure you are not having a heart attack, or some other medical emergency. By itself, the hellish burning in your esophagus is probably just a burrito. However, if it is accompanied by shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, or hemodynamic collapse, it is time for you to call 911. The word emergency was invented for times like these, so let me be the first to say, “This is an emergency.”

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    If it is not indigestion, and it is not a heart attack, perhaps it is a metaphysical problem. Consider going upon a quest, in the search for Plato’s enema mundi, or world’s suppository. Perhaps you know it by a different name, feeling, or objective association: good, just follow that down to your burning centerpiece. You will need to merge the various centers into one basic concept, hopefully one that is more interesting than self or other. I prefer the diaphragm, but others seem to enjoy meditating upon their beating heart. Either way.

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    If this does not work, consider taking some Pepto-Bismol (the pink stuff) for your heartburn; or, if you are allergic or otherwise medically compromised by the pink stuff, consider drinking down a medium glass of warm or cold milk, poured into a glass cup (no plastic), without cookies or extra cream. For those west of the Mississippi River, make sure you are facing east when you drink the milk. And likewise, for those on the east side of the Mississippi River, make sure you drink the milk while facing west, towards the Pacific Ocean. Those outside of the United States should find a similar geographic feature, like the English Channel, the Danube or the Rhine; the Yellow River, or the Yangtze; the Nile, the Niger, or the Congo; or, if these do not suit you, substitute the equator. Those north of the equator should drink their milk while facing south, while those south of the equator should drink their milk while facing north.

    If this does not work, consider checking in with your physician’s office in the morning, or the emergency room right now. Again, take stock of your symptoms, and save your heart.

    If you are absolutely sure that what you are suffering from is not a material, or at least not a medical, illness, consider this final suggestion: follow my blog, along with three others that have affected you in a similarly positive, negative, or neutral fashion. If your center still seems to be misplaced, consider reblogging one post from each of your four newly made acquaintances. For in doing this, you will have approximated the location of the world’s soul with the motion of your hands, somewhere between the pads of your fingers, in a place that you, and only you, now know.

    What works

    Figure. Screenshot of clinical effectiveness, courtesy of PubMed Health, and That Guy.

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    Think about it.

    Yours,
    Frank

  2. The Geyser Diet

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    September 18, 2015 by Dr. Geyser

    Dr. Geyser’s poop-vaporizing diet (patient-pending) Tired of shitting all the time? Hi, Iam Dr. Geyser, here to inform you that …
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