Tag Archives: food

  1. 10+ Tips on Hosting the All-American Potluck

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    February 13, 2016 by Dr. Geyser

    Nobody likes a party pooper.
    In this blog post, I situate the All-American potluck in the framework supplied by the body of the host, as a lens for examining diarrhea and fecal incontinence apart from the panoptic medical gaze represented by the FDA within a semiotic stream of graduate degrees masquerading in the form, rather than the material substance, of an All-American public health (crisis and/or resolution).

    No. 1

    Chunk your own meat and veggies. Stir fry is better for the digestion because all of the ingredients are heated together. There is less risk of contamination because the sanitizing effects of heating begin and end at the same time. Serving meat and veggies independent of one another is a good way to promote diarrhea among your guests, family members, and dine-in lovers. If that is what you want, then go ahead and have a pig roast. Go ahead and quarter that chicken. Go ahead and smack that hot dog between her buns.

    No. 2

    Serve food when its hot and ready.

    No. 3

    Ignore food preferences that are not associated with life-threatening food allergies. Food politics are a common source of diarrhea, since new food fads are ill-conceived from the very beginning. Your guests will be glad you are powerful enough to not to give a shit about vegans, since they cause a lot of diarrhea by imposing their food preferences on others who are already stressed about life as it is.

    No. 4

    Eat dinner at the same time every day. Sleep is not the only component of the body’s diurnal rhythm.

    No. 5

    Drink Italian soda instead of soda pop, and serve a judicious amount of alcohol. Soda pop contains a lot of salt, which can throw off even the most balanced of meals, leading to GI discomfort and diarrhea. Alcohol slows gastric emptying, thereby prolonging the digestive process. In addition to preventing diarrhea, a bit of wine lowers the guest’s risk of diabetes, and limits the tendency among poorer guests to overeat when they go to parties.

    No. 6

    Limit the types of spices, dressings, dips, and spreads served with each meal.

    No. 7

    Potlucks are shitty, which means you are shitty, too. Embrace the filth by cooking with the proper techniques, and eating with the proper utensils. At times this means eating off of flimsy paper plates, but usually by this point you might as well forego plates altogether, and just accept the fact that an indeterminate quantity of bacteria will be joining you and your friends during this year’s barbecue season.

    Don’t waste trees by pretending that your intestines need to be defended from bacteria, when it is actually your food that is left defenseless wherever paper plates are allowed to conceal the barbarous irresponsibility of mediocre hosts. In the process of diagnosing from subjective symptoms the pathological adaptations of our suburban hosts, the value of applying the rule is slowly revealed, even among those who never claim their a priori right to be called exceptions.
    IMG_4588

    No. 8

    Prepare food in batches. If you are having an ‘open house,’ chances are you only want people to come over to obtain a profit. Let’s face it: graduation parties are about the money one obtains from guests. I really wish I had known that when I graduated, for instance, since then I might have made a profit from that worthless and embarassing endeavor. In any case, it is important not to give your guests diarrhea. You want them to feel full, happy, and rich from the food you serve, not like an empty dehydrated tube on the verge of physiological collapse.

    No. 9

    Match carbohydrates and proteins with an appropriate amount of fat and salt. In America, the meaning of a “balanced” diet is taken quite personally, to the point of biochemical absurdity. As the host, be sure to serve a meal that contains a balance of fats, carbs, protein and salt.

    No. 10

    The host sets the rhythm of the meal. Make sure to delegate to others those tasks which interfere with your ability to generate a sense of order, since you are the host responsible for putting an end to those communicable forms of gastrointestinal distress which public health officials tend to blame on bacteria. Yet the stress of mealtimes are a health burden that are best managed by the host, whose medical expertise lies in the silent prevention of disease rather than the promotion of a national diagnosis.

    Conclusion

    Public health propaganda appears to be less unhealthy than the epidemics of diarrhea and fecal incontinence to which it claims to respond. Pathogens, then, are merely the smallest conceivable justification for the mediocre sense of health which these campaigns betray. Let us learn how to speak frankly about our health, rather than miring ourselves in the never-ending toil of maintaining our national pride. Let us call their bluffs, and outbid their reasons, so that we may feast without fear, and consume without reservation, the products of our individual enlightenment.

    Or whatever.

  2. Microwave burritos

    3

    May 29, 2015 by Dr. Geyser

    Technology has advanced to us the sort of progress only dreams were made of. This is why dreams are a necessary element of metaphysical progress, otherwise known as ‘not science,’ possibly discourse.

    Hello. Iam Dr. Geyser, here to take your service. Please click my links as if they were your hyper-fave Rxxx—pure, uncut, and delicioso-so. Mostly innocuous.

    Disclaimer: Sometimes I take you to places you do not remember ever having experienced, but nonetheless have been before. Hyperspace, you know what I am saying.

    Disclaimer: I do not have an M.D., and you wouldn’t want me to have a PhD. Thus, do not trust my true discourse on the basis of medicine or diagnosis, but rather on no basis whatsoever. Which is to say, I speak English well enough to deceive nearly anyone who wants to believe what I have to say. I believe in lies, just like everyone else who believes in something (see comments on embodiment in Jesus F. Christ’s coming planetary empire).[1] I am not nuts, though I am touching some right now. Believe me, if you must.

    Goop—without it, nothing could exist. Foundation for new textbook science, as replacement for chemical transubstantiation. The bread and the blood, the cannibalism of ‘secular’ chemists. Num-num-num-num.

    Microwave burritos are the healthiest substrate for nutritious hygienience. This is notoriously obvious from studies of truth. For instance, there is a wonderful review [2]that is highly ranked by Google detailing to great lengths and with warmth and compassionate speech products the strengths and greater strengths of various types of microwave burrito. Much personality, this page has it would seem. It uses words like “comparative” and “anal lysis” to find out which burrito type might possibly be better than the others, studies show, EtC?

    “I finally settled into a pattern of eating, almost daily, frozen burritos,” says the author. “Though frozen burritos are a convenience food, I was going to take some extra time in their preparation.”
    The author taunts his audience with succulent photographs of burritos, microwaved to perfection, reduced to a bite-sized photographic singularity.

    “These burritos were going down bareback,” he says seductively.
    Modern society is perverse, as Foucault noted back in the 70s, or whenever. Freud would have performed fellatio on Oedipus if the author and finisher of this article had appeared on his sofa.[3] It would be false to assume these statements are metaphors, as there is no literary sense to this major work of culinary intercourse. Try and imagine what the author is really feeling as he describes this wonderful products of nature writ large upon the grocer scene.

    I flipped it over and added another two and a half minutes, assuming that the burrito would explode, and I would end up with a cool photograph, at the very least. Unfortunately, the inside of the burrito was so wet, that the burrito wouldn’t hold together as soon as you took a bite of it, spraying beans and rice onto the plate. The results were pretty disastrous.
    YES, I BET THEY WERE OMG OMG OMG

    Most of the bulk of the pleasingly-hefty burrito came from many, many folds in the tortilla, rather than from being stuffed with ingredients. Thanks to the foil wrapping, the tortilla remained somewhat soft, though it was barely able to contain the bucket of cheese sauce found within.
    The next comment is reminiscent of—yeah, I can’t really remind myself of anything resembling this next sentence. Nope.[4]

    It tasted like an old velvet Crown Royal bag filled with foreign coins.
    Or a roll of half-dollars handed down to you from the drawers of JFK himself.

    At 11 ounces, but the same length as other burritos, Red’s burrito is big and fat, to let you know that it is chock-a-block full of ‘All Natural’ ingredients.
    Rather than criticizing existing definitions of ‘natural-ness,’ which have been shown to be associated with a past full of colonialism, imperialism, etcetera etcetera etcetera, these authors choose to pursue an itemizing strategy. Using what I like to call ‘free will,’ the authors treat each sea star as if it were a “thing-in-itself,” thereby reifying the concept forever in the context of microwave burritos. The cultural hegemony presumes highly distraught pretensions as it casts an uncertain light upon an all-too-certain future: the burrito, in all of its nastiness, must be microwaved if it is to survive. This is the American interpenetration of morals. This is the hyperreal equivalent of truicide en masse. This is the equivalent of inequality.

    Deconstructivism, aimed at Mexican burritos by the WUMCOM (White Upper Middle Class of America). We must ask the intellectually unconscious question: Can the burrito speak?

    The answer is complicated by a need for more research, etcetera. Simple answer—Yes, before it is eaten. Afterwards, the burrito enters a state of power-knowledge relations (see Foucault).

    The most revealing comments are those made in the throws of disappointment and psychobathology—truthisms which I will reveal in my book as soon as the world is ready to be treated for its stupid-fucking-ignorance (see Sheldrake, etcetera, et al.).[5][6][7]

    I was stunned by what I found when the burrito came out of the oven. I was head-over-heels in love with the tortilla: a thin layer of tortilla perfectly containing the insides, with just the right amount of crispness and browning. When I cut the burrito open, all hell broke loose: this thing was absolutely stuffed with real food. Whole beans! Grains of rice! Corn! Peppers! And see what I’m holding pinched between my fingers up there? Big huge chunks of real, pot roast-y beef, shredded and chunked throughout. This was unlike the inside of any other burrito we tried.

    The problem was…it just didn’t taste very good. In fact, it didn’t taste like much of anything. All of these real, recognizable ingredients don’t mean a thing, if they combine into something you don’t really feel like eating. When I want a tortilla filled with real ingredients, I’ll make my own burrito, which will taste much better, for about the same amount of money.
    The winners of this facial competition are:

    Tina’s “Red Hot Beef” burrito
    Don Miguel’s Red Chile “THE BOMB”
    Jose Ole®®®® “Steak and Cheese” chimichanga
    We must empathize the author, now, so that we can continue this article and not dwell upon an embarassing and sacrosanctimonious past, holed-up with religion, colonialisms, God-forsakenisms, Freud, the ’80s, the ’90s, postmodernism, deconstruction, Derrida’s transcendental pathologies. We must move past the past if it is to demonstrate its efficacy as a potential treatment for the psychobathologies of the future,[8] which we must contaminate RIGHT NOW with lust for life, and a passion for the moment rather than her inertia. We can if we must, and we do, as I speak for everyone when I speak so maleloquently for no one at all. These words cling to the back of life, like a fungus.[9]

    No remorsels, then, for we-who-must-not-be-named.

    DO NOT attempt to smuggle microwave burritos past Canadian customs. They WILL confiscate them.

    Experts agree upon one thing, if… then… nothing else… EtC?[10]

    Some of Dr. Geyser’s conclusions, transcribed by Staff on May 29, 2015.

    El Moneterrey’s burritos are not ok.

    Rupert Sheldrake does not eat enough microwave burritos to subdue the voices splurging forth from his manhole. Submit observations for his butthole to interpret—HERE!

    It is deceptive to have a food bog that isn’t accompanied by photographs of associated products of digestion. Write to your local food bloggers—disseminate the call for penultimate truths!

    Try not to laugh at the expenses of others, especially when Eating in Maine.

    Footnotes

    Riva, Massimo. “1888–1988: Some Remarks on Nihilism and Secularisation.” History of European Ideas, Special Issue First International Conference of the International Society for the Study of European Ideas, 11 (1989): 979–88. doi:10.1016/0191-6599(89)90284-2.↩
    Bedell. “A Comparative Analysis of 13 Sketchy Frozen Burritos.” From Away with Me. Published on May, 2011. Accessed on 5/29/2015.↩
    Sakatani, Naoya, Kazunori Ogawa, Yu-ichi Iijima, Rie Honda, and Satoshi Tanaka. “Experimental Study for Thermal Conductivity Structure of Lunar Surface Regolith: Effect of Compressional Stress.” Icarus 221, no. 2 (November 2012): 1180–82. doi:10.1016/j.icarus.2012.08.037.↩
    Dobzhansky, Theodosius. “Nothing in Biology Makes Sense.” (PDF) The American Biology Teacher 35, no. 3 (March 1, 1973): 125–29.↩
    Martyushev, L. M., and V. D. Seleznev. “Maximum Entropy Production Principle in Physics, Chemistry and Biology.” Physics Reports 426, no. 1 (April 2006): 1–45. doi:10.1016/j.physrep.2005.12.001.↩
    Call, Josep, and Michael Tomasello. “Does the Chimpanzee Have a Theory of Mind? 30 Years Later.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences 12, no. 5 (May 2008): 187–92. doi:10.1016/j.tics.2008.02.010.↩
    Roth, Gerhard, and Ursula Dicke. “Evolution of the Brain and Intelligence.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences 9, no. 5 (May 2005): 250–57. doi:10.1016/j.tics.2005.03.005.↩
    Valdivia, Raphael H., and Joseph Heitman. “Endosymbiosis: The Evil within.” Current Biology 17, no. 11 (June 5, 2007): R408–R410. doi:10.1016/j.cub.2007.04.001.↩
    Hogan, Margaret C, Kyle J Foreman, Mohsen Naghavi, Stephanie Y Ahn, Mengru Wang, Susanna M Makela, Alan D Lopez, Rafael Lozano, and Christopher JL Murray. “Maternal Mortality for 181 Countries, 1980–2008: A Systematic Analysis of Progress towards Millennium Development Goal 5.” The Lancet 375, no. 9726 (May 14, 2010): 1609–23. doi:10.1016/S0140-6736(10)60518-1.↩
    McCarthy, Margaret M., Arthur P. Arnold, Gregory F. Ball, Jeffrey D. Blaustein, and Geert J. De Vries. “Sex Differences in the Brain: The Not So Inconvenient Truth.” The Journal of Neuroscience 32, no. 7 (February 15, 2012): 2241–47. doi:10.1523/JNEUROSCI.5372-11.2012.